I am doing okay.

We lived in Kerala from the time I was six until ten then shifted back to our base, Bombay, in 2010. Due to quarantine and other social obligations, I hadn't visited for four years.

We went for a short 10-day trip but it was packed with visits to temples, minimal sleep, and abundant family time. One of the highlights was my visit to Guruvayoor, a Hindu temple dedicated to Lord Guruvayurappan in Kerala, which held too many core memories from my childhood.

It was my main man-hunt ground & playground for the imagination. Growing up, I would create and direct various series in my mind, ranging from horror to comedy, starring myself and all my different personalities. I imagined these adorable boys, one after another, dressed in lungis as my future husband, with 2-3 children. cutesy. Quite fanciful, I must admit. I was delulu before delulu was a thing.

Nevertheless, the essence of it all was that Guruvayoor felt like home. When I shifted back to Bombay around 2010, I had to rebuild my sense of home from scratch. The feeling wasn't okay tho.

I vividly recall my first day at school here, where I caught the attention of both girls and boys. The girls admired my hairstyle, courtesy of my talented mother, while Pallavi, my first friend in Bombay, came to me with comforting words, "Hi, you look nice. Don't be nervous. Thanks dost, because I was not okay. Her words were a lifeline in the moment of anxiety.

These intricate details of life, the humanity of mundane things, are what make people okay. It took me a hell lot of drama & trauma to be a be a piece of peace that I am today. Parts of who you are are also because no one sees what you see, even if they see it too. ukwim?

I often emphasize in my posts how everyone's experiences are different, yet I find myself striving to shield others. Umm winter is only pretty when you are warm, summer feels hits only when you have water to cool you down. Likewise, Alone only feels good when it's not lonely, solitude is only comforting when it's not isolating. For someone like me who has felt like nothing at times, it's difficult to witness others experiencing similar struggles.

What does it mean to be "okay"? Is it a constant state of being, or is it something transient that uplifts us? The past two years have taught me that even rock bottom has a base. I'm not suggesting there won't be moments when we dig even deeper & there won't be anything beneath. It's just better to believe, there's always a base. and something to hold onto.

Don't exaggerate your role; nobody will reward you for it. Deal with people how they deal with you, barely, hardly, and accordingly but patiently and after 37486538765897 years of being patient, keep them alive in your brain but don't let them dig your grave.

Frankly, I might feel fine for three days, then suddenly succumb to destructive behavior on a Friday. Some days, everyone in my world seems blissful, but other days, I must remind myself of Karan Johar's words, "Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, moved on."

There are a million ways to be okay, to be okay from habits, behaviors, people, memories, and whatnot. Like, so there is this practice that I started following 2 years back, it took an entire year for it to be activated and start working, but I think it’s beautiful.

I have had health problems all my life, it was always something or the other. Allergies, pcod, weight gain, Uti, name it, I got it. I noticed something, whenever I had a cold, I used to think about how it felt to have a clear unblocked nose, what did it feel to breathe normally? And what I did about it was, consciously when I was doing okay, I appreciated breathing, I just randomly reassured my nose, that how grateful I am for it to breathe nicely. As bookish as it sounds, it's just beautiful in a way, of how humans work, or the human body does. And now honestly I am so so so so much better with my health.

Also not saying it wasn't my homeo meds, vitamins, or family support that helped. but it is a mix of all, ruled by trust, a hope that all of it will make me okay,

It's bookish, it sounds stupid, cringe, and consciously dumb too at times. but it's reassuring, calming, addressing & noticing details. Dil ke nazar se dekho, sab acha lagega.

To be okay with things that you expect always have a safety net of a few subconsciously backed up "it's okay thoughts", but to be okay with things that you never thought would happen, it was never in your list of worst-case scenarios is what makes you reflect and revive.

Read & heard it too many times, bohat galat hoga, sahi hone se pehle, ( It would be terribly wrong before it's correct. ) What more does one need to believe that humans churn up words in the most beautiful ways to keep up hope and trust to be okay.

Ah, all of it comes back to being okay with a little hope & trust. Your village, your people help you get there. It's like climbing a ladder, becomes so easy when someone you trust holds it.

I am acing the pointless blogs at this point. Anyways are you okay? If you are not chill, just trust in that teeny tiny voice in your head that says, fuck it because zindagi badi honi chahiye babumoshai, lambi nai, Ultimately, it's about finding solace in hope and trust, even if it means embracing seemingly foolish or unconventional methods.

Until next time

XOXO, AARYA.